Bonnie downs baptist church

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Worshippers who arrived at a local church for Sunday service yesterday were shocked to find it had been drunk by Bonnie Tyler.

Tyler, the Welsh rock/country legend, visited East Ham with friends over the weekend whilst taking a break from a hectic European tour schedule. Reports say she spent Saturday evening at the White Horse before embarking on an alcohol-fuelled rampage, which terrorised locals and caused huge damage.

Bonnie Tyler
Total e-fits the part: police immediately recognised the star, when she was found lying in a pool of post-rage vomit in a children’s playing field.

The area east of High Street South took the brunt of Tyler’s rage, and emergency services said the fact that the damage was contained to a relatively small geographic area was a miracle. Apart from two overturned cars and a firebombed skip, she agitated a street of dogs when she launched a series of discounted dog food cans through living room windows along Wellington Road.

Saturday’s orgy of destruction peaked when a friend dared Tyler to drink a local baptist church. Witnesses say she downed the church in one, sang a chorus of Total Eclipse of the Heart, and passed out in Flanders playing fields, where she was arrested.

Insurers are assessing the total cost of the damage but have already warned that home insurance premiums will rise in light of the incident.

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After Bonnie Tyler passes through, a skip burns on Flanders Road.

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